Get it while it's hot. The only confession is that I don't really have the guts for this post and if my cowardice gets the better of me, it may dissapear soon. It's full of anger 37 years in the making, so enjoy.
Not everyone loves their children in the same way.|
My children are lucky. They are so unbelievably lucky. Even if I didn't have one other nice thing to say about my husband (though I do), I can say without hesitation that he is the kind of father, the kind of dad, that every child should have. He is the kind of father that you know will never, ever leave you. The kind that, even if he did, you know he'd be coming back. When he looks at his children, you can see how he loves them. But, not everyone loves their children in the same way.
When I look at my children as they lay sleeping in their beds, I can't imagine being separated from them. As much as I may complain that they drive me crazy, as much as I can be heard for miles on any given day chanting my battle cry of "I need a vacation... by myself", I could never actually take one. Well, maybe just a few days. I could not go any longer than that without knowing where my children were, without being in their presence. I could no more live my life without them than I could rip out my own heart. And if I were inexplicably separated from them, knowing they were out there somewhere without me, might just kill me. But, not everyone loves their children in the same way.
If I knew that my children were out there in the world without me, I could not lay my head to rest at night. If I could not know what my children were doing, or how they were feeling, I could not pretend that they did not exist. If I were unable to follow the highs and lows of my children's lives, it would be as though a piece of me was missing. If I could not touch my children, hug my children, love my children, it would be as if my chest had been ripped open and my heart exposed and bleeding might just cease to beat. But not everyone loves their children in the same way.
If my child reached out to me and I could not reach back, I would curse the very arms that stretched from my body and spurned me. If my child called to me and I could not answer, I might think that my voice betrayed me in the most heinous of ways. If my child longed for me and I could not come to them for lack of want, I would think that my heart had turned cold and hard. But not everyone loves their children in the same way.
And if my children ever have to hold their tongues for fear that the truth they speak will scar me, I will know that I have failed. If their truths once released, never able to be taken back, hurt me, and sting my soul, then I will know that I deserve whatever pain comes to me. And if I ever make my children feel that they are not good enough, not worthy enough, not able to sustain my love, then I will know how you must feel... father. Because not everyone loves their children in the same way.
Not everyone loves their children at all.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
father
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
17 comments:
Michelle,
I totally agree with you. I have raised two happy, healthy boys who are now adults and trust me, you're the kind of mother who deserves to be a mother. Having a "kid" doesn't make you a mother. Putting their needs before your own does.
I see nothing wrong with what you posted. It's a loving tribute to your family.
(((HUGS))))
Connie
So glad you didn't delete it- it was beautifully written and SO TRUE. There is nothing like a mother's love.
Beautifully written! http://jasahm.blogspot.com/
I have given you an award. PLease come to me blog to pick it up :)
I hope that people don't think that is in any way a blanket statement against fathers or that I am claming to love my children more than their father.
This is actually about my own father. I just wanted to clear that up.
I totally got it Michelle. I hope and pray that it's not as bad as I think it is. Either way this took a lot on your part to post this.
I have goosebumps from reading it. Your love for your children is so evident as well as your longing for what you so deserved as a child (and adult). God bless you that you overcame and to be a wonderful mother.
Oh my. That was incredibly powerful. And as for your comment above - you don't have to explain as your meaning is very clear and specific, right from the start.
I hope that putting this down brought you at least a little bit of peace, even if just for a moment after you hit "publish."
The relationship I have with my own father borders on non-existent. He has his own set of "rules" and what is acceptable... my feelings and opinions are mute and pointless.
A while back I decided that until he came to grips of how pathetic of a man he really was, he would never be allowed near my children. He thinks I am kidding.
I am glad you chose to not delete this post. :)
Substitute your father for my mother and I could have written this post myself.
Thanks for sharing. There is comfort derived from knowing I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.
Big sloppy smooches.
I have just recently found your blog and I love it. I have only read a few of your posts, but I plan on checking all of them out. This one made me cry. Thank you for sharing it.
It sounds like you love your children very much. There are some fathers and mothers who do not, that is true. Just learn from the mistakes of the ones who came before and love your children without hesitation, and realize we all make mistakes, its the people who try to make right, and try to do the right thing that are worthy enough to be a parent. ((HUGS))
Very powerful post! I really hope that through writing this you are able to heal a little bit more in your soul. Living without a healthy unconditional love from a parent is painful and goes deep inside of us...it takes years to get over and sometime we never really do. I am sorry for your pain. I think there are quite a few of us out here that can relate.
I am really thankful that you have been able to give to your children what you were not given. Breaking the chains is a wonderful thing!
Michelle, this is a very powerful post and I hope it made you feel better writing it. My children re so lucky, too, to have my husband as their father and not my own. I totally get this.
Hugs,
Jen
hugs to you. i know exactly how you feel. when i found my husband i knew he woul not be my "father". knowing how much love your children are loved just fills my heart with hope that there are more daddys then "fathers" my mother has a saying any man can become a father it takes a REAL man to be a daddy!
You know I can totally understand . My dad is the exact same way . The funny thing is my dad remarried and has step sons who are married and they know my father better than I do . THis makes me really angry , and I know I am in the position with your dad . I just dont understand men who dont want to see their own children . Know that there are people down here in Georgia who think of you all and love you even if we have never really met . TO me you are my sister in law .I cannot wait to meetyou and my neices and nephew . Lots of hugs and loves .
Don't delete this post no matter how tempted you are. If you find you have to do something with it later, for whatever reason, just hide it. You'll want it later. Trust me.
Great wonderful honest smart post.
i'm raising my step children. one day, this post could be written by them...whose mother...for all practical purposes...left them.
this was powerful. and incredible.
Post a Comment